Pithy Title Here

I’ve Moved.

I’ve gone blogger. Yes, indeed, I’ve returned to the blogging site of my youth. I moved to wordpress because blogger couldn’t import all my blogs into one (the ULTRAblog!!!), but, see, now they can. So I’m going home.

You can now find me here:

www.bspaggs.blogspot.com

Come away with me!

Trouble in Paradise

David and I are much, much better than we were. I am stabilizing somewhat, he is stabilizing somewhat, we are beginning to enjoy each other’s company again. But still, when I think about how I felt about him in our first year together, compared to how I feel about him now, it makes me sad. I love him, of course I love him, but gone is that feeling I once had, beaten to death by the twin clubs of Pregnancy and Depression. 

It doesn’t feel like I thought it would when I finally found the one I was meant to be with. I thought it would feel like freedom, like an exhale, like winning the lottery. Instead it feels like struggle, like a sigh, like walking a long distance. I don’t mind walking, but where am I going? When will I get to rest?

I guess I always wanted to be with someone who I felt was out of my league. And the brilliant thing about it would be that he would think that I was out of his league at the same time. So we would both feel like we’d gotten lucky. With David I am perfectly matched – In that he is my equal in every way. In strengths, and in weaknesses. He is no better than me. But he is no worse. It’s like the gods playing a joke. You think you’re so great? Here, try living with yourself. Ha! In my fantasy The One was always better than me, but somehow he would see something in me, a diamond in the rough, and that would make me better.

But it’s a double-edged sword, isn’t it. Because what I loved most about David from the beginning was that I felt like I had known him forever, and that I felt like I could show him the most humiliating bits about myself and he would never laugh at me, and never judge me, and never think less of me. He felt like a long lost friend, and the most intimate of lovers, all at the same time. My, but it was bliss! Because the truth is, if you’re with someone you think is better than you, the reality is different than the fantasy. Because the reality means you are always insecure, and when you are insecure, you can never be your true self. And with David, the one thing I am is my true self. 

Unfortunately, my true self is not always the best version of myself. And again, in my fantasy, with The One I would ALWAYS be the best version of myself, he would bring it out in me, the best of who I am. David has done that, certainly, but he has also brought out the absolute worst. And generally, when the absolute worst in me comes out, I move on. Because then I can be the best version of myself with someone else, at least for a little while, until the bad stuff comes out again.

I talk myself in circles, I know it. I need to start a new blog, one that deals with all these questions, with what True Love is for someone like me, someone who is, in the end, desperately difficult. I have a feeling that what I will discover is that True Love is simply one thing: Staying.

Still stumbling around…

Mostly I’m in a daze lately. I don’t do well under the weight of maintaining everyday life. If you look back on my blog I’ve lived most of the last ten years out of a suitcase, so having a whole house, a dependent baby, cars and bills and all the entrapments of “normal” life often leaves me feeling paralyzed. My most productive times have always been the times when I was least stable, owned little, and only needed to concentrate on a few things. Here I am staggering. It makes me want to take off for another adventure, bringing both my boys with me, and sell off everything I’ve collected.

Time to get back on the saddle.

So I’ve basically taken two months or so of maternity leave on this blog, and it’s time I started up again. It’s just that, before, I could write about my travels and adventures, and now there’s just, well, not so much to write about. For instance, my to do list for today:

1. Call Roy the appliance guy cos my washer mysteriously stopped draining water.

2. Do some laundry should said washer be repaired.

3. Mop. The. Damn. Floors. Already.

4. Google why my two-month-old is drooling like a faucet.

5. Doctor’s appointment for aforementioned drooly boy. First shots! Eeek!

6. Pick up entire contents of closet from bedroom floor.

7. Breastfeed. Like, a lot. Luckily, have rented multiple movies to make it go faster.

Well folks, that’s it. Compelling? Certainly. I wouldn’t be surprised if this post alone picks up a couple hundred hungry readers.